AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
