dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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