Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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