I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
