Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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