just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I still have a little drunk in my system
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
