Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
