Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
