I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
