I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
