If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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