WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We just shotgunned beers for America
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
