You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
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Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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