remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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