I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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