My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
