Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
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I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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