My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
