So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
