You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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