where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
