I look better un-naked...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
