I accidentally had phone sex last night
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
