I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
