i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
