Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
