i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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