I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
