I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
