I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
