I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
