I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
