we have officially lost it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
