My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days