The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I have aggressive nipples.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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