On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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