I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
