Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
