I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
