foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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