I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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