So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
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he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
