My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
