So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
