my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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