but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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