Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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