help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
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How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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