If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
