My hand turned me down
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
