I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
