its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
