You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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