On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
