she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
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Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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