i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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