i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
