i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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