This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
