Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
