Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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